13 October, 2010


I had a doctor appointment. I'm officially 11 weeks along, closer to 12 though. There are so many mixed emotions right now that began yesterday as I saw my baby on the ultrasound.

Our tiny 9cm baby is perfectly formed, right down to the fingers and toes. I could see so much detail, even on that fuzzy black and white screen. Part of me is celebrating this child, and part of me is again grieving my last one, realizing what was lost even more.

My next appointment is in 4 weeks. I will be 15 weeks along at that point, Lord willing. That's when I lost Heaven Baby. That appointment is also a week before Heaven Baby's due date, November 14th. I think I mentally check off each week, sometimes holding my breath as I approach November. Often times my desperate prayer is, "Lord, please let me meet this baby here, please let them be born." It's not born from a lack of trust, but rather from an intense desire to know this baby here, to raise this child, to have them as a brother or sister for Ava. I present my petition with thankfulness, and leave the results to God.

Last night was our church's monthly womens' Bible study. We are going through Hebrews, and in chapters 3-4 it talks so much about rest. Forgive me for not remembering much more than the fact that God delights to give us rest, and we can delight in the promise of rest (fellowship) in Heaven someday. Friends, that was such a comfort last night. As I'm reeling from new emotion, and new heartache, I was reminded that in Christ I have rest for my soul; I have a quiet place in the storm of life and a promise of rejoicing with Him.

So while I share all this with you, and while I still shed tears for my baby with Jesus, I want you to know that I am not alone, that Christ is my able portion no matter what, and that I have hope unbounded. That, friends, is what faith does for the soul.

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